I can still remember that fateful day almost 25 years ago, New Year’s Day of 1992. That image still haunts me, as I recall the way she looked at me; the eyes of a woman who knew that this was the day our lives would forever change.

Today, we might have a strong, deep-rooted relationship as friends, but I never really knew whether she truly forgave me for breaking her heart all those years ago. So this is my letter to her:

Dear Jess*,

You are never an open book, always burying all your feelings and keeping them close to your chest. Over the years, I know you have kept so many secrets, but I have never questioned you, because that is how things are with us… You always maintained your guard and I always just let it go. Because love clouds everything.

There has always been love between us. But I do not know what kind of love it is. We have gone through so much together over the decades. Our love has transformed from a romantic love to a platonic one but sometimes, it feels like the lines blur. And now, I’m not sure where we really stand with each other.

After we parted ways in our youth, I went through countless relationships over my lifetime. I was even on the verge of marriage once, but did not make it to the end game.

Now here I am, 45 years old, still single, still hurting and still wondering where it all went wrong. I may not have all the answers but I can’t shake the feeling that walking away from you that night was the moment everything began going downhill for me.

Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life, maybe one I will carry to my grave. You once told me that I needed to let you go and perhaps it’s true; the reason I might have remained single all these years was because I keep comparing every girl I meet to you…

You, on the other hand, married and had a beautiful daughter. Do you remember our phone conversation on the night of your engagement party? You told me that if I had attended the party, you would not have gone ahead with the engagement. But I chose not to attend and so you proceeded with the engagement and eventually got married.

Unfortunately, God chose to take your husband home early. I then witnessed your struggles as a single mum. I was with you a fair bit during those tough periods, but as usual, you never told me everything, just bits and pieces. And I was always left to guess my place in your life.

A few years ago, we were at a function and you got a little drunk and kissed me. You said that was the last kiss ever and that “I f*cked up your life”. That was some big-time drama in front of all my friends and my family but I never held it against you because I know ours is a complicated story.

Since then, we have remained close, a part of each others’ families. I have no idea where our relationship will go from here, but I think it is such a unique and silly situation sometimes: Two people who have such deep love and understanding for each other and who seem like such a perfect match but due to the past, may never be together. It is torture to be “just friends” when you know how deep the love goes, but if that is what God has planned for us then I guess I will have to accept it as His will for me.

There are so many more things I wish to say to you if given the chance. For now, just know that I will always love you.

Yours,

Hillary

*Name has been changed