It has been a rather long journey to self-acceptance for me. From blaming myself for failed relationships to feeling so lost in life, I was always my own harshest critic.

Anger, confusion, a sense of helplessness and all sorts of negativity would clamour inside my head and one day, I just found myself in a complete rut. I had spent too many nights crying, overanalysing or just dreaming about being somewhere else, and about being someone else. There were too many nights wasted in search of peace, which seemed completely elusive at the time. I felt like a total failure.

Over the years, I lost touch with the soft voice within because I was trying so hard to fall in line with the expectations of the louder voices outside.

I just wanted to run as far as possible from my so-called problems. To be away from the very person I should have been best friends with: myself.

Most of us struggle with unconditionally loving ourselves. We acknowledge our achievements with a side-glance but are always armed with ferocious self-criticism when we fall short of our own expectations of ourselves.

Years have passed since that low point in my life. And these are the five things that have helped me own my scars and transform them into a badge of honour on my journey to self-acceptance:

Know yourself

Each of us is like a safety deposit box: we might share similar traits with one another, but we also have our own ‘combination’ that makes us unique. Understanding why we do things the way we do and being honest about it with ourselves is the crucial first step. For example, I’m often impatient with myself and I find that it’s mainly caused by my desire for perfectionism. It took a lot of honest introspection to eventually admit that it is motivated by a need to present a flawless image of myself to the world. As a result of this, I used to criticise myself very harshly whenever I made a mistake. But now, I treat myself more kindly. While I can’t eliminate the self-criticism entirely, I try to tell myself that people make mistakes from time to time and it’s perfectly okay.

Know what you stand for

Values are simply concepts until we apply them in guiding our actions. That’s when we finally own them. Take the time to find out what you stand for. What are your values and do they really resonate with your conscience? As we grow older, our life views, values and principles may actually change. We get exposed to the world around us and our life experiences shape who we become and determine what we stand for. It informs our moral code and helps us in our decision-making processes.

Know what you will or won’t accept

Once we figure out what we stand for, we’re in a stronger position to make better choices. In the area of romantic relationships, for example, we will be more aware of the kind of treatment we are willing to accept from others. This gives us a clear understanding of the kind of relationships we want to have, and helps us know where our boundaries lie, making us more alert in identifying behaviour from others that is damaging or toxic. This is an important act of self-love and self-love is the key ingredient to forming healthy relationships with others.

Know when to let go

One of the most difficult dilemmas we can face is the question of when to let go. If a relationship ends, we sometimes feel like we just can’t move on. We may be living in denial, hoping the person will come back to us. And if we refuse to face reality and accept the fact that it’s over, we’ll remain stuck and unable to move forward in life. By letting go of what’s hurting us, we are showing ourselves love and kindness, and this will help us heal and move on from a broken relationship.

Make time for creative self-expression

When you love your partner with all your heart, you want to spend as much time with them as possible. And when they choose to spend their precious time with you, you feel loved. By the same token, spend time with yourself often. Get to know yourself intimately and find ways to express yourself creatively during this time. For me, there is nothing more liberating than venting on paper. So I write. Others might choose to paint, dance or sing. Don’t think about how the end result will turn out, or if you will even finish what you’ve started. Because there is beauty in imperfection, just like in each of us.